Holding Contradiction

This isn't a post about disagreements, although that does give me an idea for a future post. Instead, this is about how our lives are not so simple, and that's okay.

Yesterday, I dropped my second kiddo off at college for the first time. He's doing a summer session (which, for him, is a great opportunity) so it wasn't the typical August drop off. It was busy but not frenetic on campus. We did a walk around the school before his scheduled move-in time, and after his stuff was deposited in his room, it was time to head home for everyone but him.

I spent a reasonably large amount of time yesterday morning crying. Add in a bit of that on the car ride there. A few tears when I hugged my son goodbye, more on the way home. And yes, even as I'm typing this, the characteristic prickling feeling in my eyes has begun. I'll cry again in a minute, for a minute.

I'm sad. While this is still "home" to him, it's not the same as it has been. He'll be here sometimes, and away for the majority of his time. Maybe it's more like "home base" than "home" now.

But I'm also happy. This is what he's supposed to be doing. He has grown up enough to spread his wings, and I have no doubt that he will find his way (even if it doesn't look like we expect it to.)

It's the contradictory feelings that are hard to reconcile. My yoga practice has given me some tools to remind me that there is vibrant life in contradiction. We root down into the ground in order to rise up away from it. We take a deep breath in so that we can exhale fully. We find stability in activity, sweetness in strength, power in surrender.

When we practice, we practice not only for our time on the mat, but more importantly we practice for our time off the mat. If we allow it, our practice can change everything. So that ultimately, the practice is our life and our life is our practice.

I don't have to be sorry that I'm sad, or happy. I am holding on to the things that make me human. Neither emotion is superior to the other, just like neither the earth nor the sky are superior to each other. Those emotions form a more complete and accurate picture of what is happening in life. Just like up wouldn't exist without down, and day without night, these seemingly contradictory emotions simply make life complete.

There will be times in the next few weeks when I realize that my kiddo isn't here, and it will feel like something is missing. I will tear up, or even cry outright. And I will remember to breathe in and breathe out. To hold the contradiction of sadness and happiness together. To surrender and in so doing find strength. My yoga practice has helped me in so many ways, and this is just one of them. For that I am profoundly grateful.